Loss of life

I got home like past 12mn so i wasn't able to post anything here yesterday.

The other night i dreamt of my mom. I hardly ever dream of her so it was really nice. But just like my previous dreams of her, she hardly said a word to me even though we were together. It was really comforting though. In my dream she gave me back a ring that i supposedly lost and she i was also getting mad at her for something that she did wrong (or something to that extent). And i remember that in the dream she was alive because of some special magic thing because i remember telling her that if she could, i wanted to her to stay longer. I was glad that the dream wasn't so sad. But i still miss my mom :(

Anyway, yesterday we went to the wake of the grandmother of a friend. I find it really sad when someone i know and someone i'm close to loses someone they love. I know i can never say that i understand what another person goes through since no 2 situations are the same, but this is something that i know i can relate to very well. And it's so sad. When my friend told us about how his grandmother died i felt my heart throb. I actually wanted to cry (but of course i couldn't since it would look so weird since i didn't even know his grandmother). I don't know if it's the same feeling when a grandparent dies(since i never met my grandparents), but i've never forgotten (nor will i ever forget) the pain of losing my parents. My dad died years and years ago but i don't think i'll be able to just sit down and think about what happened without crying. I don't even think the pain would ever lessen. I remember lhb telling me before that the worse thing that could ever happen to a person is to lose all his money but i believe otherwise. I don't think there is anything worse that losing a parent (or losing a child i suppose). Especially since i am the youngest and the baby of my parents. It was actually very difficult for me to be able to say to myself not to cry anymore months after my mom died. And i still cry for them. But i am glad that now i am mentally and emotionally ok.

The other side of it all, i don't believe one should pity or try to be friends with someone just because he or she lost someone. I mean that would just be sooo fake (just as what i've written in my other post). Of course i am so with like praying for the soul of the departed but for the living that i don't like, i wouldn't even try and be like "oh i'm so sorry for your loss, are you ok and shit). I was faced with this situation at the wake as well. Unfortunately i saw my friends shit-faced-loser-fake-bitch cousin. If there was such a thing as a hate list, she would be like number 1 (or probably she would even occupy like numbers 1 to 1 million). hehe. I totally hate this girl. She's like a fucking thorn in my backside. And i can never do fake. So she was there last night giving us food and i didn't get any and she was like "you have to get something" and i just shrugged. I actually wanted to kick her. The inner child in me wanted to get out and play (fyi: i was never a good playmate to the people i didn't like when i was young). hehe :) I mean i would so not go like hi im sorry after 6 years of hating her. I would totally rather kill myself (but then again i wouldn't stoop that low, only SHE would do that ;)) I told lhb that did she actually think that i wouldn't act all bitchy towards her just because we were in that situation?! I really don't know how she and our friend could be related. I love my friend dearly and he's just the nicest and kindest person! While his cousin is..well..NOT. Ugh, i just hate her. And everytime i remember her i would remember her saying to another friend of mine (who didn't tell me this but who told my bf who told me :)) that she'll just stay away so there wouldn't be any problems. My message to her "darling, you aren't that important...i started hating you even before i got close to my boyfriend as a friend 6 years ago...my friends and i hated you because you were only nice to guys, and it showed...and when i hooked up with my boy, you wanted to be part of it all...trying to be my friend only when he was around...i know you said things like "did you fight about me?"...and i know you liked him...it's not my fault that no guy ever sticks with you...just shows how good i am in understanding a person's character...i used to play nice but be careful...you really wouldn't want me as your enemy... :) How wonderful it feels to let all these things out after seeing her. haha.


*yesterday i was thankful for life and real friends
*i am grateful that even though there is death, there are memories to live by :)

Footloose!

Today i got a foot spa. There was only one word to describe it : amazing!!!! It was totally mind blowing and so relaxing. They used foot scrubs, foot lotion, sea salts, stones and aromatic water with rose petals. After the cleansing part, they massaged my feet. I think it was some sort of Thai foot massage. I felt so relaxed! I even got a 15 minute complimentary back massage. Not only was the service amazing, the ambiance was wonderful. They had lazyboy chairs. The lights were dim. There were candles. They only used small lamps to see their clients' feet. It smelled like eucalyptus everywhere. I can't wait to get one agian :)


*Today i am thankful for foot spas!
*Today i am grateful that though i have a cold and i don't feel that well, i was able to relax and go out even for a just a little while

Bored to death

I am so bored!!! I haven't been out of the the house for three days straight. I could've gone out but i mean i don't want to like go to places where i really won't be doing anything or go to places that would just reitirate my feelings about how this country is a fucking scortching hell hole. I swear i'd just end up cursing anyone i was with. I wish we could've gone to a bazaar or the mall or out of town because its a fuckin long weekend. I'm thinking about ordering in (even though i just did last night), just so i could do something and eat something from outside; to have some proof that the outside world still exists. ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It's just so annoying. Oh well. This sucks.


*Today i am thankful for air conditioning!!!
*Today i am grateful for nada...i sooo cannot rationalize right now.

Dreaming of...

1. Paris...I just found out earlier that my school might hold a competition that will give its students a chance to go to Paris next year and visit fashion houses! *Sigh...cold nights, the Eiffel Tower, shopping, couture and free accomodations!... :) What else could a girl wish for??? I just hope that i get a chance to participate in the contest, given that there are still some classes that i haven't taken :)

2. Weddings... thinking of Paris, makes me think of looooovveeee. Haha :) Wouldn't it be great to have a wedding in Paris? But that can only be possible if i sell all my belongings and my soul as well. Hehe :) I just can't wait till my big day...which at the rate we are going, will take place years from now. :(

3. Being a fashion designer... this has been my dream and i think it always will be. But after taking classes...i don't think i'll ever fall in love with making and cutting patterns! I literally feel like every time i make a pattern my brain is being smashed into millions of pieces. I love designing and i enjoy sewing (i think..without the pattern part though :)). But wouldn't it be great if someday i become really great at this dream? :)

4. Traveling...someday my lhb and and i will explore the world!! We will go to isolated paradises, tropical rainforests, crystal white mountains, chocolate and pasta havens, cheap as well as really expensive shopping places...and all the places that we could dream of. We will visit the seven (plus plus) wonders of the world. We will visit all the best theme parks and act like crazy children once again. I know it'll take time (lots and lots of time) before we fulfill this dream, but i am willing to wait :)

5. A walk in closet...not the crappy-fake-wood-that keeps on getting stuck- lousy closet that i have. do i need to say anything more? hehe


*today i am thankful for time :)
*today i am grateful that though i am not getting married any time soon, i feel like i have found the "one" ( i think...hehe)...i just hope it doesn't take that long for that day to come.... HAHAHA just kidding lhb :)

Real Friends?

I sometimes wonder if i'm missing out on a lot of things by not having a gazillion "real friends" (though i actually don't believe that it's possible to have that many "real friends"). But i believe that real friendship is based on trust; entrusting your life to someone who is not your blood, trusting that someone to be completely honest with you...etc. I remember high school when everyone seemed to be friends with everyone else (or at least it looked that way). College was almost the same as high school, its just that some of those whom i thought were my real friends in hs weren't (though i am very grateful for those who were and still are). But after graduating from college, i realized that there are so many people that i couldn't trust. And there are actually a lot of people who simply are fakes. There are a lot of people who smile at me and say sort-of kind things and actually just say it because i'm a 'friend of a friend' or because i'm a friend of someone they like or because i'm the girlfriend of someone they like and even worse because a parent of mine had passed away (they actually have the nerve to try and be nice to me even though they've done s**t loads of unfriendly things). Everytime i think of these people, i can't help but feel annoyed that i even let someone like that cross paths with me or let someone else push me to "try and be friends" with that person. Because that is crap and it's actually a big waste of my time. Thankfully, i have wonderful and loving friends around me! Quality over quantity right? :) And i'm happy now with all of friends that i have. When i grow old and die and if by then i still have the friends that i have now, i'd die a very lucky lady :) They know who they are and i love them completely and i wouldn't trade them for anyone else :) :) :)


*Today i am thankful for the patience and love of my lhb :) and for the yummy "meringue" that i just ate :)
*I am also grateful that though i might need to move soon, i still have a house that is full of memories and i will be able to spend one last Christmas/New Year here.

Trying it out...

I've finally decided to start my own blog. I've always been used to keeping a diary but i haven't done that for years! And i remember how relaxing and therapeutic writing things down can be. That's why i am a bit excited to try this out :)